Missing mom

OK. Proceed reading at your own risk. I was on the phone today with our realtor who has become quite close with our family over the years. He told me that his wife, 64 years old and never smoke or drank in her life, has cancer of the mouth (he said something more technical, but that's basically what it is). I didn't ask the prognosis, since I think I know what it is, and then told him that mom was very healthy and got a lung disease completely out of the blue. He then asked: "well what happened with your mom?". Oh geez, I thought, sorry that I had even brought it up (I was trying to show empathy - letting him know I had been through a serious sickness as well). When I had explained that we, as a family, were fairly "lucky" that we had 18 months to say goodbye, it made me of course reflect on that. I let him know that the final months we had with mom were the months that I had said and did the things that I probably would NEVER have done normally. Of course, then, I thought about more things I wish I would have said.

I wish I would have told her (instead of years of her telling me) that I was proud of her and that she had done well. That her family was well adjusted, happy and healthy because of her.

I wish I had already been a parent at that time so I could simply say "thanks". That I never, in a million years, would have imagined how difficult it was to raise not just 1 son, but 4 children. And 7 grandchildren. And without a husband to help her.

I would like to turn back the clock and share in the tremendous pride she had when she got her gold badge at Montgomery Ward - she was very proud the day she brought that badge home. And I don't really remember congratulating her. And that makes me sad.

I wish I would have appreciated more, the many times she drove by herself to E. Lansing and taken my roommate and I out to dinner that she could not afford. And then drive back by herself.

I want to hear her tell me again, on the day I moved to California, that she wishes I were still a baby. She said that at Metro Airport crying. Knowing I was leaving her...probably for good.

I'm overcome with sadness right now, but it strangely feels cleansing. It makes me think of mom - which frankly I haven't done in some time.

The below is a song I really like. It's sad and uplifting at the same time. I wrote the lyrics on the blog once before, but was able to find it on youtube.

Here's to thinking of mom.