Missing mom

OK. Proceed reading at your own risk. I was on the phone today with our realtor who has become quite close with our family over the years. He told me that his wife, 64 years old and never smoke or drank in her life, has cancer of the mouth (he said something more technical, but that's basically what it is). I didn't ask the prognosis, since I think I know what it is, and then told him that mom was very healthy and got a lung disease completely out of the blue. He then asked: "well what happened with your mom?". Oh geez, I thought, sorry that I had even brought it up (I was trying to show empathy - letting him know I had been through a serious sickness as well). When I had explained that we, as a family, were fairly "lucky" that we had 18 months to say goodbye, it made me of course reflect on that. I let him know that the final months we had with mom were the months that I had said and did the things that I probably would NEVER have done normally. Of course, then, I thought about more things I wish I would have said.

I wish I would have told her (instead of years of her telling me) that I was proud of her and that she had done well. That her family was well adjusted, happy and healthy because of her.

I wish I had already been a parent at that time so I could simply say "thanks". That I never, in a million years, would have imagined how difficult it was to raise not just 1 son, but 4 children. And 7 grandchildren. And without a husband to help her.

I would like to turn back the clock and share in the tremendous pride she had when she got her gold badge at Montgomery Ward - she was very proud the day she brought that badge home. And I don't really remember congratulating her. And that makes me sad.

I wish I would have appreciated more, the many times she drove by herself to E. Lansing and taken my roommate and I out to dinner that she could not afford. And then drive back by herself.

I want to hear her tell me again, on the day I moved to California, that she wishes I were still a baby. She said that at Metro Airport crying. Knowing I was leaving her...probably for good.

I'm overcome with sadness right now, but it strangely feels cleansing. It makes me think of mom - which frankly I haven't done in some time.

The below is a song I really like. It's sad and uplifting at the same time. I wrote the lyrics on the blog once before, but was able to find it on youtube.

Here's to thinking of mom.

Memories

Well it's the eve of the 3rd anniversary of mom's passing. As these key dates arrive and pass, I always regret not having more pictures, videotapes, or recordings of her. Some of these pictures I just recently found on an old picture CD but the quality isn't great. I think I took them with a regular 35mm and had them put it on a CD. These were from her many visits to me the first time I lived in California. We drove down to Los Angeles one of those times to visit Pipo and Gladys. The picture with Auntie Lila was taken on August 9, 2003 - my birthday as well as the wedding banquet that Jerry and Deb held for us at their house. The amazing thing about this picture is that she is still smiling. And as you can tell from the date this was taken, it would've taken a tremendous amount of courage to have that smile at that point in time. I'll always miss her.

In LA in front of the Hollywood sign on a gloomy, miserable winter day. 

Having dinner in her nightgown in San Carlos, CA. Publishing this one because she would have laughed at this at the same time be embarrassed about it. 

Auntie Lila and Mom. 

Happy Birthday Mom

Hi all,

Long time no post in this blog. Today would have been mom's 72nd birthday. Time continues to heal and the hustle and bustle of every day life preoccupies the mind so much that it is sometimes hard to stop and capture memories. That's part of the reason this blog exists (although I'm the one that has struggled to keep this up). The picture below is 15 years old in happy times. The memories this brings back is during my college years when mom would drive herself the 90 miles to East Lansing, climb up 4 flights of stairs to my dorm room, take my roommate and I out to dinner with her salary from Montgomery Ward (that she could not afford) and drive home again. I did not realize then the type of sacrifice that was for her, but I certainly do now and appreciate it even more today. I just wish I would have realized it a few years ago. I'm positive she's the reason I live and die emotionally with Jeremy's ups and downs. I was taught how to be a loving father to my son because of her. And I'll be grateful to her forever. Happy Birthday Mom! We'll never forget you.

In younger days. 

JC with his grandparents. 

2 year mark

Well, it is the eve of the 2nd anniversary of Mom's passing (September 18th). I have not blogged on this site for a while since it's typically too hard to do, but I felt I had to on this day. Don't know if anybody knows or not, but I kept a journal of events during that time and I want to post just one entry that I find kind of funny. For those of you reading this that are unfamiliar of mom's exact condition at the time, this may sound a little crude, but for the family during this time these were moments of "comic relief" and even mom herself, when she was awake, would laugh when we told her some of the things that happened. I have also included a picture of Jeremy with the grandparents he will not meet in person - although we will all be happily together forever one day in the future!

The journal entry below from June 2, 2002:
Another good day. I can get used to this. The respirator was set at a PEEP of 10 and pressure of 60% (down from 75% yesterday). All vital signs were good and she was not holding a fever. We all went to the afternoon visit, stayed the entire time and went to Dim Sum for lunch. Deb thought it may be a good idea to keep a record of all the things we do as a family so that mom would not miss anything when she woke up. Since I have already been doing this I figured I could just keep this up, but maybe even get more detailed. We went back to the hospital for the 4PM visit and mom was very rested. She had just had a bowel movement a few minutes before we got there, and did AGAIN while Ronnie and I were in the room. Ruby knew it right away just by looking at her face. As Ronnie and I waited outside while they changed her, we heard her lay a terrific fart which lightened the mood. We left the hospital in pretty good spirits for the second day in a row because of the significant progress.

Song for mom

Lyrics to a Christian song I downloaded recently that makes me feel both sad and happy. The title is You Are Mine by David Haas. Please download it and listen to it.

I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear my voice
I claim you as my choice
Be still and know I am here.

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night
I will be your light
Come and rest in me.

CHORUS
Do not be afraid I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see
The lame will all run free
And all will know my name

CHORUS

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name
Embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk and live!

Do not be afraid I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

Time heals all wounds

It's coming up on two years since mom passed away and time has healed most wounds. Not sure if I want them all to go away though. Amazing how memories come back in huge "floods" every once in a while. A few days ago, August 9th to be exact, thought of mom came back to me in heavy waves. I was having lunch and there was an old man sitting at the table in front of me with only a drink. He was concentrated heavily on something in front of him but I could not tell what. As I cocked my nosy head over to see, I noticed he had poured out an entire change purse on the table and was slowly counting pennies and rolling them in coin wrappers. Not exactly sure why this image was so powerful with me - maybe because I've seen Mom do the same thing or maybe because I could vision her doing the same thing today. It was probably neither of the two, but simply because it was my birthday and she wanted to greet me a Happy Birthday in really the only way she can - by providing me an image of her. Whatever the reason, that's the one I'm going with. Thanks for remembering Mom. I heard you.

This blog is open to all comments from family and extended family. My small way of keeping her memory going on....

Mom in full health.